


Darker Than Black

by coriane



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, F/M, ex-ANBU Reader, new teams - Freeform, reader is a sensei
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-02-22 05:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13160460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coriane/pseuds/coriane
Summary: If dying meant saving them, you would gladly do it.If only things were that simple.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> reader is about two years younger than kakashi and was in a relationship with him in ANBU. beta-reader is desperately needed and so is criticism nghhhhh. this is my first work in the naruto fandom, and what i'm trying to do in this fic is explore the bounds of civilian life with a character who's been intimately affected by war.

"For all of your contributions to Konohagakure, I will grant you a wish. Any wish."

You remember the bitterness that courses through you as you sat inside the Hokage Tower's highest floor, looking at the man you had admired all your life. Your arm is in a cast, your wrist wrapped.  _A wish_ , you thought. Could he grant you back your crippled ankle? Your dead friends? Your parents who did not look at you like you were a monster? And most of all—

_Could he grant you back your humanity?_

One leg-less, one team-less and your mind almost gone. What did you have left—

 _Him_.

You look up, you messy hair sticking to your cheek. "Take Kakashi out of ANBU," you say, a sudden need for the one constant in your life. 

Sarutobi's eyes widen. "Is that it?" he asks softly. 

You gaze doesn't waver. "Anything, Lord Hokage. You promised me _anything."_

He sighed. "I know. But the reason I offered you this was because I wanted _you_ , for just once, to do something for _yourself_. Not for Kakashi or ANBU or Itachi or even Konoha." His eyes soften. "Wasn't it always your dream to travel the elemental countries?"

"...Lord Hokage. That is my wish. I will not be changing it. Whether or not you grant it is yours."

* * *

" _Hellooooo_!" Anko bursts in through the window of your lonely hospital room one morning.

You barely jolt, fatigued and nauseous and only turning around for the fraction of an inch. "Anko."

"[Name]!" she cried as she rushes up to your hospital bed. "What was that? How cold! Don't you miss me?" She takes up your unbandaged hand and clutches it to her chest dramatically.

You flinch and withdrew your hand from her sharply, making Anko take a sudden step back then come back close again. You tremble at her proximity, your heart in your throat.

" _Don't come here_ ," you rasp. 

"What's wrong?" Anko asked softly, " _Lynx_?"

You give out a cry that is a sob just as much it is a snarl, your chest tightens, your breaths become shallow.  _Lynx_. Your ANBU name. The proof of your failure. Owl. Wolf. Your team. Anko touches your hand again, this time, you strike at her. Your vision tunnels, but you see the red dripping from the line of her hair. Your head pounds.

 _STOP STOP STOPSTOP STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPIMSORRYIMSORRYIMWEAKMONSTERMONSTERIMAMONSTER_  
  
EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT

" _[NAME!]"_  Anko shrieks your name. You don't hear her. You _can't_. You only see the darkness and the red and the _red_ —

" **GET OUT**!" you scream, to the monsters in your head. " _ **GET OUT**_!" You curl into yourself, arms wrapped around your torso and you don't hear the slam of the door opening or the gentle closing of the window.

You are alone in your mind with your demons.

* * *

It's a couple of months later when someone else comes to visit you. The ANBU and your former comrades haven't visited after Anko, most likely from having been told the results of Anko's visit. But the flowers pile up, and you no longer care to destroy them in your lonesome. You would've been hurt if you— If you had still been  _you._

But now, you sit in your bed as a husk of yourself and _you don't do anything_. This is the kind of bliss and escape you wished for in war, and now it seems you received finally it as you sat on the bed with your eyes closed.  _Breath in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out._

You open them, and you see _him_.

Perhaps you've been asleep or perhaps he's just shunshined in, he sits on the edge of your bed and his mask is off. 

"Hound."  _Inu_. The only name you've ever called him. 

Your lover smiles, more serene and peaceful than you've ever seen him.

"It's Kakashi now," he says. 

You've never called him anything other than Hound. Just like he's never called you anything other than Lynx. It wasn't fair to either of you, not when being in ANBU and its Black Ops meant dancing with death meant that the two of you could lose each other at any given moment. You knew his name, and one upon a time, that had been good enough for you. 

You leaned back into the headboards, eyes closed. Everything you and your team fought for is here now. But only  _now_  when everything is here do you think that may be the death you had fought so desperately to avoid may not have needed to be avoided. After all, what were mortals to challenge fate? It had always been the fate of man to die, one way or another. Why did you— Why  _had_  you tried so desperately to avoid it?

"I'm... Going to leave Konoha for a while," he says after the silence. "I'll try to write." he adds as an afterthought. You both know he won't. 

"Oh," you say, your cracked lips curve, your eyes stay empty. "Stay strong. Stay safe."

* * *

"[ _Name_ ]? Oh Lord, please be alive." The Sandaime Hokage's voice is old and sad. So, so _sad_.

The poison bottles roll beneath boots as someone lifts you into warm arms. 

You return to the hospital approximately three months after your release. You sit again in the Hokage's office the month after.

"I want you to take on a genin team," Sarutobi faces the window when he tells you.

You sprang forward, the panic and the confusion thrumming through your veins. " _Why_?" you asked, voice cracking. He of all people should see—

See what you are, see why you are and that you are far too shattered to ever even try to build something else. 

"It's... It's my last resort, Lynx," he says wearily, "most of Konoha's other jounins are sent out alongside shinobi from other hidden villages to calm the unrest from the Akatsuki and the rest are doing damage control. I'm sorry. I wouldn't have called you if there were any other options. You're the only one who can do this."

 _Ah_. So that's what it was. He didn't trust you, either. Not anymore. Somehow, that's comforting. Yet it brings a sort of hurt and hatred that the person that was once one of your closest confidants no longer thought of you as trustworthy. 

 _Who were humans to challenge fate?_ You thought again. Briefly wishing that you did die with your team.

"Alright," you say, "I'll try my best."

Neither of you says it out loud, but it's in the air—

_Your best may not be enough._

* * *

Your first impression when you meet your genin team, thankfully, is neutral. They don't seem like the little monsters that Shinku describes his team to be like when you retrieved your files together.

Fuyu Hongou, Hirota Yousoko, Chizako Sakurai. A full team. One who lost their teacher to a missing-nin from Kirigakure.

They seem broken, in their own way. Sad and lonely, but strong all the same.

"Hi," you greet, tapping your cane on the ground twice, "I'm your new instructor. It's nice to meet you."

Hirota's eyes glance at your cane with a sharp, cold gaze. Fuyu's arm snaps towards Chizako's face and slams a hand over the other girl's mouth before she can speak. 

"It's nice to meet you..." Fuyu pauses, looking at you curiously.

Your lips curve, "You can just call me _sensei,_ " you say, gesturing for them to come close. "You don't have to like me. All I'm here to do is make you pass your Chuunin Exam and help you to survive to the best of your ability."

Hirota's eyes don't lose their chill.

You breathe out of your mouth in a quiet amusement.

* * *

" _Again!_ " Chizako shouts as she pounces at you again, you step back and smack your cane into the side of her stomach harshly, she flies backwards, hitting the ground and creating tracks on her arms.

The three genins crouch in front of you, breathing harshly. 

You cock your head, smiling softly, waiting.

All in all, they weren't that bad of a team— The stronger would cover for the weaker, and the intelligent for the slow. They always made sure to synchronize in an attack and discuss tactics beforehand. But the previous instructor— however beloved, doesn't seem to have had much experience in field. The team didn't even know their own strength— That was fatal, especially at their age.

"Alright," you say, "that's enough."

"Please give us one more chance," Hirota argues, "we'll get it this time."

You sit down on a log. "No you won't," you say, "you can't, no matter how hard you try. You know I'm right."

Fuyu snaps. "Then what do you want us to do?" she screams at you. "How do we do it right if you won't even help us?"

"Do you want me to help?" You are indifferent. You are a natural disaster, but you can't stop. Can't stop destroying others in the way you destroyed yourself. "Even if I do help you, will you listen?  _This cripple girl who doesn't look much older than you who just walked in one day can't teach us anything_ , that's what you're thinking right now, isn't it?" you mock.

"And what if it is?" Hirota challenges. Your cold laugh fits oddly with the whistling wind.

"You're welcome to leave. No matter the instructor, you'll never pass. You can't walk with your head up in the clouds all the time nor can you stick your head in the mud." With that, you leave in a rush of leaves.

The previous instructor was lost due to the team's inability to work together, the files read. _The memories must have scarred them to work harder. Survivor's guilt often prompts those that lived to change._

But it wasn't that they were bad fits as a team to begin with. You've already noticed. They weren't three random incompatible children tossed in a team together. They were calm and patient, even if Chizako more rash than most, they still managed to communicate well. The reason that they failed the Chunin Exam four times was that they never ever understood _themselves_ in the first place. How could you understand others if you could not understand yourself?

But—

 _They're ready,_ you think, walking out the door the morning after.  _Now they are._

They're there, waiting for you. Like the first time you met. You can't help but feel like you've been reborn. Like you've been given a second chance, a chance to make everything right. 

"Hi," you greet them again, "do you know what you're doing wrong yet?"

"No," Chizako admits with her head down.

Hirota and Fuyu nod. "But we're willing to listen."

They bow together, shoulders tight and form sturdy.

You hum in approval, " _Ja,_ let's begin."

* * *

You help them as much as you can. You _try_ , try not to melt the ice around Hirota with a forceful forest fire, tries not to cut Fuyu's thorns outright, extinguish Chizako's fire with harsh words. You try to ease their survivor's guilt. Because after the storm you lashed upon them, the  _sensei_  they need is a kind and patient one. The kind you never had. 

In a way, you think you've succeeded as you watch the team come running to you after passing their Chuunin Exam and beating the fastest record in the last decade. A forgotten but familiar warmth pool behind your eyelids as you watched them bow to you again, happiness on their face and their maturity colouring their limbs.

"Stay true to yourself," you say as Fuyu and Chizako hug you again, the animosity from months ago gone, leaving with promises to write. Hirota lingers.

"I think it applies to you as well," he says, "you should learn to forgive yourself, too. It's what... It's what Owl would have wanted that."

Your eyes widen. How could you not see the features of your former teammate in the boy in front of you? The same deep-set eyes, the same high cheeks...

You swallow. "Thank you."

Hirota smiles and briefly, you wonder if this is what his older cousin would be like if Owl lived. 

You watch them leave, and you  _open your eyes_  and _you smile_. 

That night, you receive files for you second team. And as you looked at the smiling faces of the children in front of you, you  _vowed_ , that for as long as you lived, you will never allow them to suffer because they did not have a teacher who understood them.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past, the present. And most of all, the beginning of your forgiveness towards yourself and those who fought with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really, really wanna make meaningful chapter titles but i legit can't;;;;;;
> 
> ( any suggestions? lol )

" _Senpai_ ," Iruka, one of the newer Academy teachers, comes to you one day during lunch, "do you mind looking over student files with me sometime before the Academy opens?"

"Sure," you agree and gestures for him to sit, "it's always good to know your students before you even see them. They say that last year's class was  _hell,_ " you added as a dark afterthought.

"O-oh, I see." The rookie smiled nervously. "You like to look at the classes before they're in teams?"

"It's... Always good to prepare." You snickered. "A lot of instructors find it tedious to look at student files before they're in teams, so in the end, they wound up with a bunch of brats or they start whining to the Hokage about all the good kids being taken." You shrug. "Either way, why don't you come to my apartment later?" You give him a friendly grin and stood up.

Iruka follows your suit and stands up quickly before bowing. "Thank you! I'll bring an extra copy for you to keep,  _senpai_."

* * *

"How are you, Hero- _san_?" you ask jokingly from the side of Iruka's hospital bed. It was almost strange, facing the white sheets like this instead of being wrapped in them. 

"Like death," he replies hoarsely, a resigned expression glued to his face.

"Well, that's the price you pay for being a hero," you say cheerfully. "Get well soon!" 

You leave with promises to visit again and limped outside. 

Scowling at the sun and your cane that makes annoying taps as it made contact with the concrete outside the hospital, you make your way towards the Hokage Tower. You would shunshin, but the current you are way out of practice to even try to hide you chakra flare correctly, which means all that you could do was take one of the main roads and hope against hope that you wouldn't run into any shinobis.

You hadn't seen any of your friends since four years ago. The past you had always been a person who was quick to love and even quicker to anger, you'd been a loyal person. And while your gentleness showed less in a cruel world, you had loved your team. Losing your team was like dying yourself, and you knew that your friends would give you space and leave you to reach out to them first. But Anko, Genma, Raidou and the others had been precious, too. Maybe it was  _because_  of the fact that they'd been so precious that you feared their rejection of the broken shell you'd become. You'd rather lose them forever than face their hatred and fear and pity.

The secretary is new, you note as you stepped into the highest building in Konoha. It's evident as the girl doesn't drown you with pitiful stares during the visits the Hokage used to check on your mental health, hell she doesn't even jerk in shock at the sight of you — your name had long been removed from the Bingo Book, any trace of you except your jutsus were simply  _gone_.

Maybe it was for the best.

You bow when you enter Sandaime's office. "Lord Hokage."

He smiled. "[Name]. Come, sit."

You do. You take your old seat. 

"How are you doing?" Sarutobi asks.

"Well," you dip your head, "and you?"

The man laughs dryly. "As well as an old man can be. Humour me, will you? Indulge me with some stories of your last team?" His eyes are warm, you realize with a start.

You clasp your cane with both hands. "Mari was a bit shy, but she's good with thinking outside the box and improvising. Otomu's pretty much the hit-first-think-later type and he's good with his hands and his traps are well made. Kita is... Kind of absentminded, but he acts as the mediator for his teammates and is pretty much unstoppable with a katana. They're little monsters, too. Before their Chuunin Exam, they blackmailed a drunk to give me back my cane after he took it."

You don't realize your smiling until a hand settles on your head. " _Sensei_?"

"I'm glad," he says warmly, stroking your head, "this old man is so very glad that you've managed to find your own happiness again."

Your breath catches before you bow your head again, a pool of warmth pooling in your stomach.

"Anyway," Sarutobi takes a sip of his tea, "I'm here to talk to you about your newest team. You know that Naruto Uzumaki — the Kyuubi Container will be on your newest genin team, yes?"

The Nine-tailed Fox.  _Kyuubi no Youko_. The reason you lost some of your most loved people. The reason the Akatsuki attacked Konoha four years ago and killed your team. The reason, indirectly, for your crippled ankle. You slid your thumb up the smooth wood of your cane and back down again. "Yes, I'm aware."

"...Many lost dear ones to the Kyuubi. You did, too. If you were given a chance... Would you harm him?"

You would sell your soul to avenge your teammates. You would give anything to be able to cut off that monster's head. But if you killed Naruto Uzumaki... The Kyuubi would run free. Yet even so—

"Of course not!" You stand up in shock. "He is a child! A boy who only had the misfortune to become a vessel containing a beast. And most of all, he will be my student.  _I will not harm my students_." You finish, breathing heavily. Compared to the furious beating of your heart, the usual sharp pain of your ankle is a dull buzz.

The Third Hokage sets his cup down on the table and kneels in front of you. "Thank you, [Name].  _Thank you_."

Eyes, wide, you fall to your knees by him and help the great man up.

 _No, sensei_ , you thought,  _thank **you**. Thank you for teaching me the Will of Fire._

* * *

"Hey kids!" It's become your very own tradition to tap your cane twice the first time before you greet your team. 

But this time, you're in the rather odd position of sticking half you head through the door and another arm with your cane as to not trip the wire Naruto— prankster almighty — as referred to by Otomu has by no doubt set for the bucket of coloured water above the door.

"A cripple is our teacher!" The Fourth Hokage's son stabs a finger in your direction.

 _He was Kushina's son, alright_ , you thought, as you swung your cane up towards the bucket and hooked onto the handle. Jerking your elbow towards Naruto, the bucket swings with the cane, and the water flies with the momentum—

Right into Naruto's face.

 _All in a day's work_. You stepped through the door, humming cheerfully, cutting the wire with a kunai in the process.

You smile. "Alright, my real self is already on the roof! Come and find me when you're ready." With that, you poofed in front of the Fourth Hokage's son's angry face, internally cackling with delight.

 _As if a kid could beat_   _ **you**  in pranks, ha!_

* * *

" _Sensei!_ " A collective of voices shrieks in unison as you enter your apartment.

You screech back, " _It's not even Chuunin Exams yet! Why are all of you brats here?"_

The lights flicker on, a crowd of youthful faces stare at you, some cackling, other serious and more in between, your teams among them. While you'd only mentored two teams in the last four years, you and your kids frolicked around with a lot more, consequently endearing yourself to many of them. The old you— Lynx of Konohagakure ANBU had been  _legendary_ , which was probably the reason that a lot of them clung to you during their youth. 

Yuuga, a mousy brown-haired boy who became a Jounin last year huddled up close. "Why do you deny our love,  _sensei_?" he cried dramatically, a few of the other boys slapped their knees, laughing in response. 

You could swear that you were getting too old for this shit. That, or you weren't  _nearly_  old enough. 

"... _Fine_." you relent, albeit reluctantly. "Since most of you are here, why don't we have hot pot?"

The cheering of utter delight from the children makes you feel better from the ache in your chest that had been lit by the utter  _loneliness_ inside two of your newest students. 

* * *

"Ah,  _sensei_ ," Inoichi Yamanaka greets, "how are you today? I do thank you for your patronage— This  _is_  the third time you've been here this week."

You laugh awkwardly. "Please don't call me  _sensei_ , Yamanaka- _san_. I'm not  _that_  old."

"Well, Ino is very taken with you. She was sulking with Hisashi's daughter yesterday because she wasn't on your team like the Haruno girl is."

You tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear, peering at some dahlias. "Well, apologize to her for me, will you? I didn't get to pick my team this year, they were hand selected by the Hokage and some of the higher-ups to balance out all of its member's potential."

"It's fine, it's fine. Don’t worry. Ino's always been like this, she'll get over it soon enough." If the long-suffering look on the Yamanaka Clan Head's face is any indication, it's probably true. 

"I'll take these, Yamanaka- _san._ " You pick up a pot of orange geraniums and the dahlias you'd been looking at.

" _Bonds and hope_ , huh," he muttered under his breath as he handed you the pots back before smiling and waving goodbye. "Have a good day!"

* * *

"Says the one who looks like an ape had sex with a tobacco!" 

Kakashi Hatake sighed. Anko and Asuma seldom got along ever since he and Kurenai got together.  _Anko had always been like this,_  Kakashi shakes his head. Territorial over people and things alike, quick to love and even quicker to anger. Now that her best friend had found another person as precious as Anko is, the snake mistress was on a mission to make said person's life as miserable as possible. 

And personally speaking, Kakashi was somewhat afraid of Anko Mitarashi on such days as well— on her best days, Anko was little less than a headache bordering migraines mixed with her hyena laughs and a million hangovers while on her worst— Anko was a complete stick in the mud, or up the ass, but it's not as if it matters. Because when Anko got into moods inspiring rampages like the one she has going against Asuma is absolutely  _terrifying,_  if the remains of Iwagakure nin's that tried to sell them out are any testaments to the fact. 

However, if there was anything Kakashi truly wanted to say, he was glad that Anko was there. With the size of the group that were making returns back to Konoha was sizeable and filled with chunin that specialized in some sort of natural element release that was crucial to rebuilding the remote villages of the Fire Country, which made them about the same level of threat as medi-nins. Asuma, Kurenai, Genma and Raidou were all formidable opponents in their own right but none were quite as powerful as Anko. Having Anko behind him was almost as if he was back in ANBU, with fully capable teammates to back him. While it didn't mean that he would hesitate to lay his life down for Konoha, due to the political rifts between the villages, no matter how hard Kakashi tried, hand signs, reflexes all became slower due to chronic exhaustion. Having a trustworthy shinobi to back him was another boost in his chances to go back.

To go  _home_. 

He paused in his book and slid himself closer to the trunk of the tree as a couple of giggling kunoichi walked past. 

" _—Have you **seen**  the Copy-nin?"_

_"Yeah, Itsu, I mean, did you see his technique against those Iwa bastards? So cool!"_

_"Yana, **that's**  what you were thinking about? I was more thinking of dragging my teeth down that delicious bod—"_

Kakashi had stopped listening after the third line, blocking out the words, immersing himself in the embraces of Icha Icha before a swishing of leaves sounds and someone steps onto his branch.

"Hello,  _senpai_ ," Hirota Yousoko greets, plopping on a branch adjacent to Kakashi's.

The Copy-nin nods back. "Yousoko. Good job during the last battle. Your kenjutsu's good as always."

He laughs. "It's an honour to be praised by the Copycat-nin himself." He shrugged. "Though it's mostly because I had a good teacher."

Kakashi was intrigued. "Who was it?" 

Hirota Yousoko is an excellent tactician with a mindset that created impossible-to-escape traps. He joined Kakashi's party after he became a chunin. While he came from a shinobi family, he was hardly someone to be called a prodigy. Yet here the boy was now, sharp and brilliant. To think it was all because of one person...

Hirota smiles. "Sensei's an elite jounin." Kakashi raised his eyebrows, he didn't expect the Sandaime to still have elite jounins on the teaching positions with the havoc the world is buried in. "She's ex-ANBU and retired from field duty because she lost control over an ankle." Kakashi nods, satisfied. "She was rather... Protective of her name, and just made us call her  _sensei,_ " Hirota continues with a fond voice. " It used to drive Chizako crazy, but soon enough, the other kids called her that, too. Although, I'm not really sure if you know her though."

Kakashi was mildly alarmed at the newest tidbit of information. "Did Konoha have so little resources that all genin had to share a single teacher?"

"No, no," Yousoko says as if remembering something. " _Sensei_  was rather enthusiastic in meeting new people. But the reason we took to her was that she just accepted us as we were. We could hate her, we could try to kill her, but she'd still  _try_. We were her first team. Our previous instructor died on a mission, and she was saddled with us. At first, I  _hated_  her. I really did. But she helped us. She was kind and gentle and understanding, and for us— Kids who've been thrust headfirst into war, that was everything. She became our safe haven. Our protector. Maybe the reason we're still alive, the reason we're still able to smile."

Kakashi hums. "You're very lucky, Hirota- _kun_ ," he murmurs. Because suddenly, he  _remembers_. If he— Team Seven,  _his_ Team Seven. If  _his_  own genin team could be like Hirota and Fuyu and Chizako and whoever else their mysterious  _sensei_ taught. If his Team Seven had a teacher who could understand them like Hirota's team was understood. And it  _hurts_  to think what things could have been. But he dreams because it's only thing Kakashi can do without regretting doing something purely selfish.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You give Sakura the freedom you never had and try to teach Naruto and Sasuke that it's okay to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing this chapter was hilarious. not hilarious as in content-wise, but hilarious because i kept messing up the pronouns.
> 
> one moment 'she' went to the store, the next moment 'i' am talking to sakura.
> 
> it was hilarious reading through it.

Your family life is complicated. Has always been complicated.

You were born in a civilian family. Your father is a merchant, your mother just a normal housewife. Her greatest ambitions for you were for you to find a husband and settle down as well as being pretty. Then those ambitions were transferred to your cousin. 

_Ah, Atsuko._

You could still remember the bitterness and jealousy you had felt towards your older cousin— Brave, pretty, clever Atsuko. Atsuko who you joined the academy because of. Atsuko who was always simply _better_. You remember the bitterness that pushed you away from your home and family was also caused by her. You thought it was. The sixteen years old did.  _Atsuko. Atusko. **Atsuko**._

But it was neither you nor her who was the catalyst. Not of the entirety, anyway.

The war had no visible end when you woke up in your family's home instead of the battlefield to your sixteenth birthday. You'd be put on rest by the medic-nin's for chakra exhaustion. You didn't scream from nightmares, you didn't have haunted eyes— But what you _did_ have was hypersensitivity and parents who couldn't, _wouldn't_ accept that their daughter held a sword and didn't wear a kimono. _Wouldn't_ accept that she was silent and watchful and killed a thief who was trying to steal rice with the flick of a wrist. 

They couldn't accept who you were. So you left. And accepted yourself. 

You often wondered after you hit your twenty-year mark, if it was better now to make amends. But you decided against it. It was no longer a matter of running away or a problem you couldn't solve. They were civilians living in the home of trained assassins, but they were civilians living in a provincial life. There were ideals that simply could not be changed. 

But they were family. 

Which was why you did this.

You tuck the cheque of five-million Ryo to the bank attendant. The equivalent of an A-rank mission. The equivalent of a better life for some. The equivalent of _a_  life's for others. The equivalent of the reassurance of life for the rest. For your family. Your mother, your father, your sisters and your brothers. Atsuko. Ghosts. Memories. 

You shake your head and pull the collar of your shawl higher, your cane making the familiar, but less annoying _click click_  sound on the dirt. 

* * *

You shuffle around the market for the day, gathering your grocery for the month. Another mediocre, regular day in the life of [Name] [Surname], that is, until you passes Naruto's apartment.

Honestly, you're not even sure why you''re here. Until you realize that Naruto is the town horror and an orphan. The Sandaime definitely does not custody: high hell would freeze over and Danzo wouldn't let go. No orphanage would take him in — he is, after all, the Kyuubi no Youko which meant he wouldn't have many, or as a matter of fact, any friends for him to lean on. Not to mention that the only link to his parents, Kakashi —  _Inu_ , also hasn't stepped foot in Konoha for the last four years.

 _Four years_...

Damn, you were getting old.

You were nearing his residence with a bag of groceries when you heard bricks smash and a boy's scream of protest. Feeling a gasp followed by a prick of tears, you drop your groceries and ran towards the alley beside the worn down apartment.

The sight made you burn a rage that you haven't felt since the war. Swinging your cane forward, you catch the bottle that the man is about to throw at an unconscious Naruto— a tuff _**Minato**_ - **sensei's** gold hair peeking from the blood and mess, before swinging the cane around to strike him in the stomach.

The two others are on you when the bottle-man is bends, clutching his stomach. You ram the cane into his skull before kicking him away with your good leg and engaging his buddy. He takes a little longer to fall, coming at you with a knife. You dodge his first blow easily and punch his solar plexus before knocking him out with a kick to his temple when he falls. Then you stalk to the man who crouches at the wall, shaking. You tower over him, blocking the sunlight, making use of Anko's interrogation advises. 

" _If you want to live, you won't report this_ ," you hiss, voice low. He nods imperceptibly and watches you with terrified eyes as you then walk over and pick up Naruto.

He's light. Lighter than a thirteen-year-old should be. And you thought this,  _this_  was gone with the Third Shinobi World. Was gone because of the lives of those who wished things were better. You cradle him in one arm, shifting his weight to your left shoulder as you call one of your summons. 

Momo appears in a puff of smoke, the panther looking almost disgruntled. "Hello, master," she purrs in what reminds you of the night, "what can I do for you?"

"Find this boy's apartment and see what condition it's in. I also want a list of names of all residences in the building, around it, and who's done this before," you command before shunshining into your apartment. 

You're sincerely out of practice as you nearly hit one of your precious flower pots when you go in. You lay Naruto — still passed out cold — on your beige couch. You suppose it wouldn't be cheating if you made him summon Kage Bunshin with his unfairly large chakra storage to clean it up later. 

You open your medical drawer in the kitchen— still stocked with painkillers, bandages, scaples and equipments so advanced you probably wouldn't have if it weren't for your inability to get rid of anything from you life  _before_. Now the antibiotic packets come in good use. 

 _Oh, little Naruto_ , you think as you force water down his swollen throat and lay wet towels on his sweating forehead and trace the whiskers on his little cheeks. _How had he lived when he went to the academy? How had he lived when he's never had the gentle hand of a mother and the strong back of a father?_

He cries out twice in his delirium, trying to fight ghosts off and your arms shake as each time the only thing you could do was hold him.

" _Master,_ " Momo returns hours after, licking blood off her paws.

"You did kill anyone, did you?" you ask, perched languidly on a chair by the bed. You'd gotten him clean with 'ninja skills' — so Anko would've called it. 

"No, master," she returns with a roll of her eyes. "Just some small prey," she says casually, clicking her jaws. "But I do have names of the people who've hit the boy before."

Panthers could read the vines of the past, that's why you signed their contract. It's become more useful than you could say. You smile. "Thank you, Momo. If you want, you can have another piece of meat in the freezer."

* * *

"Where the  _teme_?" Sasuke demands when you appear. You almost giggle at the concern. Sakura doesn't seem to care — which you frown at: you  _will_  fix that, you swear — but she's curious, so you suppose you'll have to settle.

"Naruto- _kun_  was attacked, and is now very sick." You say, having left the boy with Momo and Susu, a monkey, who you know Momo won't eat or a fight with. "That's why, I sent in a request for a D-rank mission for this team to help take care of Naruto- _kun_. You get to avoid Tora." You smile saintly, flowers blossoming around you.

"Fine," Sasuke agrees grumpily, half out of concern for his  _teme_  and half out of relief for being able to avoid Tora the Hellcat. And Sakura, seeing that Sasuke of all people has agreed naturally complies.

You make Sasuke run more groceries trips for me. Chicken and more vegetables and maybe soup stock, I tell him. Sasuke maybe an orphan as well, but he's an orphan  _and_  an Uchiha. Living in the Uchiha Compound means he's safer than half the village, even if alone. Being the last remaining Uchiha means he's probably got  _at least_  the money the civilian council's got stashed up.

Meanwhile, you have some alone time with Sakura. 

"Let's make some ginger tea and bring a pot of lavender in to keep the mosquitoes away," you say, seeing the way Sakura keeps glancing at the door. 

In the daytime, your apartment looks homely and comfortable: dark, cherry wood flooring, two large bedrooms, a study, a modern kitchen, a wood bath, a large dining room and drawing room. All courtesies to your contributions to Konoha. 

"Sakura," you say as you began crushing the ginger roots with her, "why do you like Sasuke?"

She begins to blush. "Because he's handsome."

You raise an eyebrow. "So is he someone you'd like to settle down with? To marry and have children with someday?"

"U-um," she stammers and bloom up with a brighter blush. " _Y-yes!_ "

If this were any other child, you smile and encourage their infatuation. But you couldn't. Not for Naruto, not for Sakura. Not for this team, the Sandaime, the village you swore not to fail. "Would he be a good father? Someone whose greatest ambition is to kill a  _certain someone_."

Sakura's bloom goes down. "Why do you ask that?" she asked defensively.

"Because I want this team to be happy," you say softly finishing your roots as Sakura tries desperately to match your speed. "Sakura," you look her in the eye. "Why do you like Sasuke?"

She frowns and closes her eyes. You stay still for a couple of seconds before she opens them again. "Because Ino does," she says softly. "And I like what Ino likes." Then she glances up. "Is that okay? Would Ino not be my friend anymore if I don't like Sasuke?" she asks in a small voice.

"Oh honey," you set the ginger pieces down and pull her into a hug, stroking her hair. "It's okay to like someone because they're handsome. But it's also okay if you don't like them. If Ino's only friends with you because you like Sasuke then you're not really friends. A friend is someone who'll like you no matter what, someone who likes and enjoys many of the same things as you, and someone who'll stay with you through thick and thin."

"Like a team?" Sakura asks, raising her head. 

"Yeah," you say, smiling. "Like a team. Which is why I want this team to be friends. Is that okay?"

Sakura nods. 

Your smile grows. "Will you help me?"

"Yes!"

* * *

You just help finished making the ginger-honey tea with the root pieces when Naruto walks in shakily.

"What's going on?" he croaks. "Why am I here?"

You nudge Sakura with your hip discreetly and you see her open her mouth in annoyance before biting them and opening them again.

"Good morning, Naruto!" she says brightly. "We made you tea!"

You see the delighted surprise, at the bandages he now sees and the smile Sakura just give him. And he sees you brewing the tea. And the tears that unconsciously well up before disappearing.

_Good girl._

* * *

When Sasuke is back from his hours long shopping trip, you're all laughing from Naruto's story of his latest prank and drinking tea.

"What's going on here?" he demands. "Is this a sleepover? Are we going to braid each other's hair now?"

"Oh! You'd look great with your hair braided, Sasuke!" Sakura chirped merrily.

"Yeah!" Naruto agrees. "We'll dye it with sparkles." He looks at you for permission. You wink at him.

"Geh." That was Sasuke.

"Naruto was just telling us how he pranked a jounin," you say suavely. "Would you like to hear?" You stand and give up your seat when you see his mildly interested expression.

"Noooooo!" Naruto shouts, flinging himself at you. "Don't leave me!"

" _Naruto_!" Sakura shrieks. " _Sensei_ 's leg isn't good, you know that! Don't jump on her like that!"

Naruto laughs in the throaty, bright way. And you feel the weight on your chest lift then tightens when you see the loneliness on Sasuke's face.

"Thank you," you lay your hand on his shoulder when you take the groceries from him. "Good job." You smile.

His mouth is open and he stutters awkwardly, hand on his neck. 

You see his reluctance to go— To leave this atmosphere of happiness and contentness and go back to the big and lonely house on his own. 

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" you ask.

He turns takes a step forward, then back, trying not to seem too eager, too starved for attention. "Yes, please," he says in a rush.

"We're having chicken soup," you say. "Is that okay?"

* * *

You tuck the sleeping children into your guest bedroom after you finish the dishes. You'd already notified Sakura's parents and got an a-okay.

You smile at them, and for Naruto and Sasuke—

You pray that even if only a little bit, you've lifted that loneliness, that burden of being cold, even if just for a little bit.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past will not stay forever. The future opens its doors, and you will continue to do what you have always done—
> 
> You will continue to protect those that are most precious to you.

You're at the grocery store when a horde of children bursts in with Naruto and Kiba at the helm and crowds around you excitedly. The cashier looks like he's ready to run for his life and more than just a _little_ creeped-out, you, on the other hand, was a combination of exasperation, hysterics and bordering post-traumatic stress disorder from dealing with older, equally rambunctious teenagers. You shook your head, resisting the urge to bash your head against a rock. **Just** as you dealt with one mob, another one comes running.

 _Maybe it's time to_ **actually** _retire_ , you thought as you and your cane were tugged towards one of the training grounds as Lee — _bless_ Gai's clone student — carried your groceries.

You dust yourself off as they finally drop you on a chair they had fashioned you last month out of sticks.

"What's wrong, children?" you sigh as you crossed your legs with a wheeze.

"They're coming back!" Kiba cheered with Naruto. "All the jounin and special jounin and the ANBU cavalries are coming back!"

"Fuyu's coming back, too," said timid Tomoka Hongou, who was the sister of Fuyu and by extension a part of your family since she was enrolled in the ninja academy.

 _The Inter-Village Chuunin exams were four months away_ , you thought. Such a massive group is bound to attract attention. _The Sandaime was never one to be so reckless to be indiscreet._ You close your eyes, _or was this a show of power? A warning against the attackers that have not appeared for the last four years? Against the disruption of the peace that had lasted for the last seventeen years?_

“ _Sensei?_ ”  

You, turn, smiling. “Yes, Hinata?”

In the end, you were rather disappointed that you didn’t get to mentor the eldest Hyuuga daughter. Not that you believed Hinata’s current instructor, Taki Bunta, was incompetent or that you adored Sakura less than Naruto and Sasuke, you believed that not only Hinata was more suited for your team, furthermore required your... _Experiences_ in post-traumatic situations like Naruto and Sasuke for her mental state. 

It was certainly hard for someone to lose their entire family to a monster, but it was infinitely harder to lose your family because they were monsters, or in some situations, because _you_ were the monster in their eyes. 

You could taste her sadness and disappointment each time she received the scorn and scathing remarks of her clan members, as well as the obvious dislike her own cousin held for her. In a way, she was just like Naruto and Sasuke, but in more than one way, she was stronger than them both combined — because her shield wasn’t the chill of snowstorms or the forced laughter from a lonely boy, Hinata was a lonely and sad girl who was _kind_. 

“Um, I-I made you t-this balm,” she said shyly. “You m-mentioned that your leg was aching the last we trained together. I-it’ll s-soothe the flesh.” She finished with cute stutters and produced what looks like a bento box wrapped in a flowery handkerchief. 

You beam. “Thank you, Hinata!” You pet her head and took the handkerchief. 

“N-no problem.”

You chuckled. “You’re free today, right? Why don’t you come to dinner with Sakura at my house and I’ll return it? I’ll ask your father.”

"R-really?" Pale eyes shine and you wonder how Hisashi Hyuuga could bear to do this. 

"Yep," you chirp, patting her head again.

"Look at these trading cards for the jounin. I just got a packet!" Kiba chattered excitedly to Chouji and Shikamaru as they huddled together. "There's Kurenai Yuuhi, Anko Mitarashi... Asuma Sarutobi— Eh! Look, look!" He spins around, scaring you out of your skin. " _Sensei, sensei!_ " He jumps around your legs in circles. 

Shikamaru opens his eyes lazily and even he jumps up when he sees the card in Kiba's hands. Naruto sprints over at the commotion and a cracker drops out of Choji's mouth as he folds his arm in airplanes and runs towards Kiba's outstretched arms, running toward Kiba, he makes a desperate grab for the card in Kiba's hands. " _Ooooh!_ " he bellows. "That's a limited edition Kakashi Hatake card! I've been wanting one for ages, Kiba! Lemme see! Lemme see!"

You glance down and your heart stutters in a painful moment of nostalgia.

"Neh,  _sensei_ ," Kiba smushes a hand into Chouji's round cheeks. "You knew Hatake- _san_ , right?"

_Grey locks, callused hands... Lips curving. Mouth tangling._ _Hands searching._

Your eyes glaze over at the frosted memories of a person whom you remember like the wilted purple tulips that once sat on your windowsill in a pink cup. The memories of halcyon days buried beneath green blankets and a warm hand stretched across your stomach. Maybe the years where you could explore the weaving forest branches freely and walk in the rain without being acutely aware of the ache right at your knee and the emptiness beneath. 

"Yes," you say with a voice that speaks of remembrance.

Ino must recognize that look. As hesitantly, she asks, "What was he like,  _sensei?_ "

You smile. "Brave. Strong. Loyal." You place a hand on her shoulder. "And so very, very human."

* * *

_"Lynx." A whisper._

_"Lynx."_

_You open your eyes. The man in front of you makes your heart stop._

_Silver locks, covered eyes and grey eyes. He is in a familiar slouch, half-lidded eyes and a single, bent finger only a hair-width away from touching your cheeks._

_"Inu?" you asked._

_He seems older, leaner and more worn than you've ever seen him. Than you had ever seen him. There are faint scars at the edge of his bare arms, white and fading, criss-crossing up his arms. Beyond him, the sun lingers inside a mist of silver and pink._

_This is not a dream, you realize. This is isn't a memory, you realize, as your hands slide up your leg and the unnatural twist of your ankle is still there, as the **wrong**  curve of your knees still remains._

_"Are you real?" Kakashi asked, crouched in front of you with an eye full of sorrow._

_Are **you**  real?_

_You smile, painfully whimsical and emotions effervescent in your pupils. "Am I?" you asked him back._

_His traces the curve beneath your eyes with a finger. Then he brushes your cheek with his knuckles before he kneels and sinks into you, burying his head in your lap like he's praying to a god. A wetness seems to soak your tunic as hesitantly, you stoke his silver locks. They glide through your fingers, flickering in the air like the ink of a painting._

_"I'm sorry," he says._

_"For what?" you hug him to you, hoping that you could give him the comfort and acceptance you couldn't four years prior._

_"For leaving," he says, fists clenching the soft fabric of your tunic._

_"Do you regret it?" You cup his face in your fingers gently, bringing him to your eyes. His headband has slid off. You stare at those eyes— One grey, one red. Both him. Both his._

_"...No."_

_You smile again, eyes curved and the scent of cherry blossom tree he had kissed you on fluttering into your nostrils. "Then you shouldn't apologize. I forgive you."_

_He brings a hand to cover yours onto his face. His eyes are shut now. "You don't feel like a dream... [Name]."_

_You lean into him, his free arm wounding around your waist. Suddenly, the two of you are in a room and you are wearing a blue kimono with pink flowers and koi fishes sowed on. "Maybe I'm not, Kakashi," you say in the whisper that began the dream._

* * *

You awaken with the smell of rain and a faint hint of cherry blossom.

"I see you're awake, Master," the fox curled beside you purrs.

Not many people choose to have fox summons. They are sly and wicked and feared because they descend from the Kyuubi. Few choose to try and fewer have been accepted.

"You're why I saw him, Sato," you say. "Aren't you."

He cackled. "I had to have  _some_  revenge after being stuck with that monkey, Master. At least I didn't dye your hair pink this time. Be thankful." He yawns again. "Besides, your chakra was searching for his and his for yours. I simply connected the strings."

You remember the days where the mere presence of his chakra was enough to soothe you.

You laugh to break that memory. "Don't lie, Sato. I looked  _lovely_  with magenta hair."

He tosses his hair indignantly, silky red fur glistening in the dark and rippling. "It's even worse that you're right."

You stroke him idly. "What's wrong?"

He hissed dramatically. "I sensed a snake near Konoha, [Name]. You and your brats should be careful."

You hum thoughtfully, thinking back to the returning jounins. "I will, Sato. Thanks."

You don't sleep that night.

* * *

The months past and by some stroke of luck, it's only another week left until the Chuunin exam.

You ditched your team using D-rank missions (AKA Hellcat Tora) alongside your fellow instructors and moved onto screening the tests and the arena. All in all, you were rather delighted to be finally free of Naruto's nagging, Sasuke's...  _Tsundere-_ ness and Sakura's 'talent' for the culinary arts. 

The arena looks... Exactly as it did when  _you_  had taken your exams.  _God_ , at least Genma dared to spray it purple with stars. Now it's just the same grey rocks it had always been. 

When you retired—  _You **would** , fucking hell_. You swear to  _Kamii_  you were going to move out of the village and become a hermit and have a — god forbid —  _peaceful_ death.

You were boredly pulling at a weed when—

 _Boom!_ The walls shuddered. A flash of fire and lightning followed soon after. Your head snaps toward that direction.

"What's happening?" Gai shouts. "Is there an attack?"

You bite your lip. "Gai," you say, bringing his attention to you, you war instincts snapping in. "Come with me, we'll go scout with the ANBU. Everyone," you look at the remaining instructors who, too, was focusing their attention on you. "Please split into two groups. One group will head towards the different checkpoints to see if assistance is required, the other group will evacuate the civilians to an area away from the walls. Genins and children should take priority, the woman and elderly next." 

They scramble off following your instruction. You were the only one with acute war experience, it helped that you were a former ANBU captain.

Two ANBU operatives drop down beside you and guy then kneels. You raise an eyebrow at their appearance.

"Captain," Frog greets, even when you are no longer her commander. "May Snapdragon and I accompany you?"

* * *

A flash of silver is all Kakashi gets before a heavy sabre slams into where he just was. Hoshigaki Kisame laughs hysterically. 

"Very good," the man laughs with another heavy swing that Kakashi barely manages to dodge. "You will be an excellent kill, Copy-nin of Konohagakure."

He would fight, Kakashi would fight this man with everything he has, but he cannot because there are those he has to protect. So Kakashi fights to  _defend_  and not to kill. He twists and turns in untraceable patterns and fluidly throws his _kunai_ and his shuriken. He scratches but does not wound. 

Hoshigaki comes at him with another swing and he  _sees_ — Through the red and black that reminds him of pain— an opening and he strikes out with his leg, kicking. 

Stepping backward just in time to see Hirota slice through the air with his kodachi. He defends against Hoshigaki remarkably well. And Kakashi realizes that he knows he won't win as he falls into a combination with Fuyu as she weaves explosion tags around Hoshigaki that will kill— But won't kill  _Hoshigaki_. It's worse when Chizako pops out from behind trees and begins to build earth walls around the four as  _Deidara_  appears.

Kakashi thinks  _no_ , as he cuts down another nameless enemy. Because Hirota, Fuyu and Chizako shouldn't be protecting Kakashi when they have so much to live for— Their family, their friends, the nameless  _sensei_  they adore but have yet to see in the last three years. 

He runs toward them and he meets Deidara head on. They clash— Lightning to fire, saturated sparks and brilliant fire. They are both geniuses, and fighting Deidara reminds him of the flash of [colour] hair and the streaks of blinding silver she had once weaved around them. 

Another kick, another swing, and Kakashi sees an opening and he takes it, before he sees the paper bird perched on Deidara's wrist and he realizes— _Too late, **too late.**_

The world flashes and explodes and Kakashi watches the carnage flies toward him before—

The dust halts and the world is pushed back.

A sound taps the dirt as a burning smell stains the air. The chakra streaks through the air and for a second Kakashi doesn't recognize it until— A shuffle of feet against the dirt and another tap of wood against the dirt before the dust parts for a figure.

Pale hand resting on a cane of the same blinding silver. The head is carved into that of a lynx, and he raises his head to meet the streaks of [colour] hair.

"Everyone alright?" The former _Lynx_ of Konoha asks them with a smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's cliffhangerrrr mannnnnnnn
> 
> lolol


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you are a hurricane, and i am what you love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn kakashi, you angsty asf

_"Hound," you whisper silkily, draped over alabaster skin sensually._

_"Lynx," a voice of fine baritone murmurs back. Pale, graceful fingers tangle in [colour] hair, tugging back lightly and baring long neck. He drags his lips across the sensitive flesh, nosing the cage of your jaw and biting down on your pulse point. The navy haori slides off his shoulder, revealing sculpted muscles._

_You laugh breathily, shifting in his arms, bronze skin aglow in the pale, grey dawn. He shifts his hand, sliding up across the smooth skin of your leg and wounds his arms around you tighter and bats away an orange book from the edge of the bed._

_He kisses you firmly, tasting last night's sake and the hint of jasmine from your lips, pushing away your lilac robes. You dip closer, teasing him and moan some broken fracture of his name as he flips you around and hovers above you, eyes hot-dark and muscles clenched tight above you, and you can't stop the low, sultry heat that curls through you at the sight of him so unruffled._

_"Come get ramen with me when we go back?" he asks playfully by your ear, tracing the shell of your ear delicately, almost words you can barely process._

_Your fingers thread through his hair and another hand digs into his shoulder. You smile, almost amused, lips wet and cheeks flushed. "Is that a date, Hound?" you teased._

_He laughs, low and pleasing. "Ma, ma, you're not refusing, are you?"_

You remember him that moment, because he  **was**  your world. Your pillars, your moon, your sky and your clouds.

* * *

" _Sensei_!" 

A mob of chuunin and jounin floods around you. You smile in faint exasperation at the kids and your old comrades whose eyes widen at the sight of you.

You force yourself to turn away from Houn—  _Kakashi_. But he is sealed onto the back of your eyelids, face alight with shock and leaner, more tired. You noticed the bags under his eyes, the scars in his eyes — ripped apart by your appearance. But you also noticed the faint traces of laughter lines by his eyes, the way your students had crowded around him when Deidara attacked.

You force yourself to turn away because you are a  _Shinobi_ , you are a protector first and foremost, of Konoha — of its soldiers, its civilians, its Hokage. You tap the ground with your cane. Once, twice, thrice. Then you wait and you see Deidara's lips curve into a malicious grin and his hand raises—

The ground slides away and the sky comes down on them. The pressure forces them to the ground, discontinuing both the momentum of the explosion and forming a shield around your side, a streak of white that stops Hoshigaki's sword as it comes crashing down towards Hirota. He deflects barely and the jounin began reattacking them from outside the shield.

"Captain?" Snapdragon drops down beside you. "I've finished sealing the premise." 

Frog joins. "The lake bottom has been layered with electricity seals."

You nod sharply. "Hoshigake's from Kiri so he'll most likely take the route by water to leave. Should discourage him from coming back anytime soon, even if we don't know what his intent is."

"Sensei, what do we do?" Fuyu waves at you with a limp arm. 

You pat her shoulder gently. "Tell the chuunin groups to split up and take the nearest routes back to the patrol checkpoints or the Jounin station. Momo and Lin," the panther and the coyote appear beside you, "will scour the perimeter of the Forest of Death to make sure that there are no stragglers left behind, anyone in ANBU should accompany them. Try to push Deidara out—"

 _Swish_. You barely dodge an arrow and a silver flash of kunai against the blade of another saves you from stepping into another.

"How should we push them out?" Anko asked, a malicious smirk curving on her mouth. Your eyes widen, hand clenching your cane tighter as you remember the blood seeping from her hairline.  _ **MONST** —_

"[Name]?" she prompts you, still smiling and watching you with an unwavering intensity.

The head of the cane digs into your palm. "Spread around," you say, regaining your posture, trying not to look away. "Deidara's explosives will have significantly less range with the gravity bearing down on the flames." You drop your cane momentarily and move into a series of complicated hand signs:  _Electricity, lake, lure_. It takes barely a second and your cane is back in your hand before it reaches the ground halfway. 

Anko's eyes shine as she grins in a feral way. " _Now_  we're talking, Lynx." 

She darts off in a blur of purple and grey and you feel like you shouldn't have sent that coyote off with her since it's the natural enemy of snakes but by the way they're both laughing like hyenas, you think that she probably won't care (or even  _notice)_  at all.

You close your eyes in the midst of battle and opened them again. 

 _I'll protect you all._  

* * *

"This is preposterous!" Shimura Danzo thundered. "Hiruzen, you cannot possibly be cancelling the Chuunin exams based on the— The words of a  _retired kunoichi_."

The Sandaime looked at his old friend sharply. "I am not cancelling the exams, Danzo," he replied harshly, letting loose thick strands of killing urge into the room, "I am merely taking precautions. The retired kunoichi is also a respected former ANBU captain and a spymaster. This matter has been established. This discussion will no longer be discussed."

Danzo's eyes narrow in rage as the Sandaime looked back coldly. Danzo looks down at you and Sarutobi from his hawk-like nose then spins around and stomps out of the room.

"[Name]," Sarutobi says, "what are your opinions on today's attack?"

“We don’t know of their intentions other than the acquisition of _Jinchuuriki_. The most I can guarantee as of now is that I can ban Team Seven from the exams  But we don’t know the depths of Akatsuki intel and whether or not they will still target Naruto or move onto another village,” you say, hand stroking Momo’s fur.

”Yet...” Sarutobi strokes his beard thoughtfully.

“Hokage- _sama_ ,” you say, “you know who will be sent. There is no doubt he will be sent as a part of the attacking team.”

* * *

"So," Kurenai sits down beside him, Kakashi turns to her with a soft look. "[Name], huh?"

 _Lynx_. Wild-cat. The subject of a million dreams and a million more nightmares. The silk of [colour] hair, the lilt of a teasing voice whispering his name, the sweep of fabric against skin, the taste of honey and an echoing sake on his tongue.

"Hm," Kakashi says, because he doesn't know if he's allowed even that. 

"She's different," Kurenai says, fingers weaving another idly. "Four years ago, I thought she'd never recover. But she's changed, she's recovered and she's  _happy_ , Kakashi." She leans closer, smiling at him, making his heart ache. "You can be happy, too. You can be happy  _with_  her."

( The dreams of sunshine, dancing in the dark, barefoot on the grass, the small feet running on tatami mats, smaller hands tugging on hair and shirttails, the blithe morning smiles and midnight trouble of crying infants. Gone, all gone—

But still  _there_. )

" _Kurenai_ ," he chokes. " _Don't_."

"Kakashi," she says, hurt and disappointed but he turns his head and takes one step and disappears in a swirl of leaves.

( Yet he can't.

**_Won't—_ **

because she deserves  _better_ ,

deserves so  _much, much better. )_

* * *

“ ** _[NAMEEEEEEEEE]_**!" A pair arms wound around your neck, making you stumble and Katsu, a medic-nin squawk in protest. 

Anko manoeuvres herself until she peers down at you upside down, grinning wolfishly. " _Feed me_."

"Mitarashi- _san_ ," Katsu says sternly. " _Sensei_  is injured on one leg. Please don't put pressure on her like this." Her teal eyes say that she's talking business.

"Oh?" Anko lets loose killing intent, eyes narrowing dangerously. 

Katsu barely gives her a side glance, narrowly dodging a kunai. You smother a snicker.  _Ah, medic-nins are the best_. 

" _Hmm_ ," Anko leaned closer, her smirk now sensual. You shake you head in exasperation.  _This personality fracture thing is serious._

"Come on, Anko." You yank her collar backwards. "I'll make you ramen. Katsu, would you like some?"

"Is there chicken?" Katsu brightens and Anko  _Cackles._  Capital C and everything. 

" _I **like**_ you!" she declares.

You gaze at her fondly, basking in the warmth of the afternoon sun,  _smiling_.

* * *

" _Sensei! Sensei!"_ Naruto says excitedly. "Genma- _san_  just showed me a picture of my  _kaa-chan_ and  _tou-chan_!"

Genma had been a part of the Yondaime's personal guard, you remember. But due to the enemies Minato- _sensei_  had made and to keep the knowledge of what's  _inside_ Naruto, Genma and the rest of the personal guard had been sent out of the village and forced to  _stay_  outside of it.

But things were different now, and you were glad that the Sandaime lifted the ban.

"That's great, Naruto," you say. "Do you know their names?"

He frowned. "No, I don't. He said that it was too dangerous for me to know them, that my da made a lot of enemies that would come after me."

If only the situation began like this, if only the villagers were a bit more open-minded, if only Minato- _sensei_  didn't—

"Minato and Kushina," you say gently. "Those are their names."

He brightens. "My mom sounds  _amazing_."

You smile wistfully and remember the Hot-red Hanabero, the cooking lessons. "Yeah," you say. "She was. Amazing."

* * *

" _Senpai_ ," Iruka says to you one day. "The Sandaime says they're going to assign one extra instructor to each team."

"Really?" you ask, sipping on your tea, imagining the horrors of saddling  _Anko_  with tiny children. You shiver. "Do you have a list? Of the potential instructors."

"Oh, if Mitarashi- _san_  is who you're worried about, Torture and Interrogation has already offered her a position," Iruka says, as if reading your mind.

"Oh thank  _Kamii_ ," you sigh in relief. "If Anko was ever told to keep kids from killing each other, _she'd_ probably end up killing the kids by the end of the day."

"Don't you think having the extra help would be a good idea?"

Your eyes become sharp as you turn with your side towards the door and blocking anyone's view of your hand clutching your cane and Iruka's stomach. "In what way?" you ask in a tone that demands explanation. Your eyes are curved in a smile that screams  _danger_. 

He raises his hand in surrender, a line of sweat sliding down the side of his face. "Calm down,  _senpai_ , I mean, I'd be a bad spy if I didn't know  _something_  was going to happen."

You sigh again, shoulder tugging down. "Well, everyone's on high alert and if there is an attack..." _Orochimaru,_ you think. "Having a bunch of jaded, battle-worn shinobi who'd rather kill first ask later, we're going to have more problems than just the enemy. Besides, having them around trigger happy clan-genin..."

 _God fucking dammit,_ maybe you should learn Tsunade- _sama_ 's ways. No one ever notices the difference between sake and actual leaves in water when it's in a teacup.

"Well, it's always better safe than sorry," Iruka says. Something in his voice breaks you from your thoughts of the best ways of drinking sake in public. Brown eyes line with grief and loneliness, shoulders that droop from the weight of a world (or the weight of having no worlds, you couldn't tell).

"Come over tonight," you grin. "Naruto's there."

The grief eases and Iruka smiles. "I think I'll take up that offer," he says, hands bandaged from run-in's with the kitchen knife. "Thanks."

So you're spending extra money on food and your apartment's turned into a literal hostel, but on days like this, you think that if easing this grief is only the cost of your leg, your skins and bones and materialistic things, it's a worthy trade.

Because no matter how hot the flame burns, no matter how deep the kunai cuts, it's only flesh. It's only  _skin deep._

* * *

"Wah I'm so excited, who is it, who is it, whoisitwhoisitwhoisit?" Naruto talks a million miles per hour from his perch on your shoulders as Sasuke walks ahead sullenly, occasionally looking back while Sakura trails behind your leg.

You were inwardly praying.  _Please don't be Gai please don't be Gai oh please don't be Gai, I don't need my cute genin to be brainwashed goddamit god please be merciful._

You stop abruptly, Naruto almost slipping off your shoulders, your hand clenching you cane.

A leg dangles from the tree branch and a figure drops to the ground, slouching against the tree, hands tucked into pockets.

"Yo, kids." Silver hair flashes, eyes curve above masks, a deep tenor. "I'm Kakashi Hatake, nice to meet you."


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your regrets might remain in the past, but your happiness doesn't have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: need. editing. and sleep.
> 
> thank you to everyone that's commented!

**AN: need. editing. and sleep.**

 The breath escapes from your lungs. _Of all the people..._

Heart pounding in your chest, you smile. "Kids, say hello to Hatake- _san_."

"Don't be a stranger, Lynx. Kids, just call me Kakashi- _sensei_ ," the voice that once murmured your name in dark nights says. You don't know what to say. 

Your genins react differently. Sakura, ever the diligent, respectful student bows. "Nice to meet you, Kakashi- _sensei_ , my name is Sakura Haruno."

Sasuke graces him with a huff and an eye roll. You suppose that it was a miracle to get even that out of him. It helped that Kakashi was the legendary Copy-nin they learned about in the aca—

Ah, that was right. _The Copy-nin_. The only non-Uchiha with a Sharingan. The only other person with a Sharingan who could teach Sasuke. That was why he was with her. Sasuke was the only Sharingan left and Kakashi was the only one who could teach him.

"No way, old man!" Naruto yells, making the three of you sweatdrop. "Only  _sensei_  gets to be called  _sensei_. I don't care if you're the Copy-nin, but there's no way you'd be awesome as  _sensei!_ " 

"Naruto," you say, reprimanding and fond. "Don't—"

"No, no," amends an amused Kakashi, "it's fine. Just call me Kakashi."

* * *

 _"You want them to go through the bell test_?" you demand shrilly.

"What?" Kakashi shrugs languidly on the rock beside you. "Won't make any difference since they're already genin." He sees the look on yourself and chuckles before rising. "Don't worry, [Name]."

He shuffles toward the kids as they shriek, jumping on him, making him laugh.

You think of the man he was before- his smiles rare and his laughter even more scarce. Respected and distant and worshipped, but  _yours_  — and yours  _alone_. The man who stands before you now, bright and shining, charismatic and  _happy_. But yours no longer. 

But you look at him, and you think that he's better like this. He's happy-- and that's what matters. 

(  _That's what matters,_ you think, even as you close your eyes and remember the whispers against shoulder blades and the moan of your name, the taste of him, the mornings and the presence of him surrounding you. )

* * *

"Sandaime, will there really be a fourth war?" These questions should be beyond you. You stopped answering when you entered ANBU, and after your leg, after those pills— You began answering them on your own.

You are ANBU, you are shinobi, you a killer, a soldier and a protector, and you shouldn't need the assurance. 

The Sandaime sits down in front of you, steps light and face still etched in happiness— but the wrinkles don't fade. And you'll never forget the grief, the pain and the sadness the night Minato died. The night he died and left behind a broken village, a broken boy and a baby who's about to be broken by those he died to save.

* * *

"Kakashi, if you're going to freeload like the kids, you should at least take a page out their bags and help me with the groceries!"

To be honest, Naruto isn't sure what he feels about his life anymore. All his life, he's been alone. Worse than other orphans-- Ostracized because of a reason he didn't know and haunted by a beast he's never seen. Everything was grey and white but never black, yet always teetering dangerously close to the edge— Until it does, or  _did_ , until  _sensei_  came. 

After  _sensei_ , everything seemed to get better.

Only yesterday, a shinobi had walked up to him and asked if he was _Kushina's_ son. And he remembers,  _Kushina_ ,  _sensei_  had said, something sad in her expression. The kind of sad when you're a little bit happy because the memory you're remembering is happy — and will always be happy, even when the people and the places in that memory no longer is. 

The shinobi—  _Genma_ - _nii-chan_ , he remembers the way he had tested out the name and the way the man broke into a big smile when he said it. 

" _You're a very capable little man, aren't you?_ " Those words had made him happy and then the man took a picture out of his vest: a blond man and a red-haired woman ( _Kushina)._ " _I used to be on a squad with your dad. I didn't do very well in the end—"_ That same sadness. _"But if you need help, or if you wanna hear a story, just ask Kakashi or your_ sensei _to tell me and I'll be there before your know it, alright._ "

Naruto had clutched that picture like a lifeline, lips already quivering and ask then and there for Genma to tell him a story. And he learned about the brave princess from the sea and the Yellow Flash of Konoha _,_ and how utterly  _awesome_  his parents were.

" _They'll be proud of you_ ," Genma had said before he left. And suddenly, there's a sudden pressure in his eyes and Naruto knows it isn't cool to cry, but he's never had someone to look up to, never had someone to tell him stories, never even had parents to live up to, parents to make proud or even a home—

"Naruto _-kun,_ " there's a speck of pink and black beside  _sensei_  as she waved, lips curved and waiting patiently for him to catch up. Behind her, Kakashi stands with his hands in his pockets and chuckling softly.

_But now he does._

* * *

Sakura doesn't know what she expected when she joined the team. 

 _Yes_ , Sasuke is hot; she's happy that Ino isn't on a team with them, and having  _sensei_  as well,  _sensei_  makes everything better—

Because  _sensei_  is everything Sakura wants to be. Strong, beautiful and intelligent. And she is  _safe_. She is strong and calm and so, very, very kind that Sakura knows she's safe when she's with  _sensei_. But  _sensei_  also symbolizes a part of the shinobi life that Sakura hadn't been willing to acknowledge.

 _Sensei_ , for all her bright-eyed smiles, cheerful laughs and useful tips has times where her gaze becomes distant and her lips tug downward. Sometimes,  _sensei_  is so very sad that it hurts Sakura to look at her. There are times where she has to slow down because of the sudden pain in her leg: knotted and twisted and beyond any hope of recovering. It's inflicted by an enemy, it's been cut with a knife and there are still brutal scars that  _sensei_  takes painstaking care to hide from them.  

There's a tradition amongst  _sensei_ 's students in the village to check on her leg every few months to make sure it isn't causing her trouble. And there are quite a few that are actively working in fields trying to fix it, corresponding with even  _Tsunade-sama_ , hoping to find a cure. 

Which is why Kakashi Hatake shouldn't ask  _sensei_  to tag along in a trip that takes them across  _jagged cliffs and steep mountains._

Of course, anger is definitely a driving force when she's trying to scale a steep hill. But the thing is, the hill is  _ridiculous_. It's literally a straight drop, and the catch is that she has to be tied with Naruto and Sasuke with a rope. The thing is, every time one of them trips and goes down several hundred yards,  _the rest of them falls too_.

Also, Sakura is convinced that the legendary Copy-nin is  _crazy_.

Screw the prestige and the fame. All she sees is a sadist.

 _Even_ sensei _isn't this cruel._

Of course, Sakura might be biased because she and the rest of the girls think that  _sensei_  is the best thing since...  _Sasuke_ , but at this point, she considers just about everything better than Kakashi- _sensei._

 _Does the S in both words have any relationship_? She wonders briefly when Naruto almost crashes headfirst into a bush.

Again.

"We should take a break."  _Yes,_ sensei _is a saint._

* * *

"A break so soon?" Kakashi says, amused as he continues bounding up the hill. "I don't think they're too tired."

You sigh, and he can pick out the resignation in your voice. "Don't assume everything, Kakashi. The chakra point on my leg is damaged, which means I have to use chakra sparingly. Besides, day's breaking, it'll be night soon."

Kakashi's eyes widen.  _Oh._ He blinks briefly, remembering blood and tears and screams. He steels himself, the storm brewing in his chest.

You kneel for a second on the dirty ground, the mud staining an earthy red on your haori. Slender fingers trace from exposed ankles to quivering shins and to the crooked curve of your knees, the  _wrongness_  of the angles. Kakashi's eye traces your hands as they attempt to stop your pain. 

They take in your face, the hidden pain and the tightness around your eyes. And he thinks of a time where your fingers were in his own, where your legs tangled with his, where he ran the palm up the smoothness of your skin,  _once upon a time_ , and compared it to that of a river and listened to the trill of your laughter in his ear. 

"My bad, [Name]," he says, trying not to look at you, trying not to remember. "My bad."

Yes. His bad.

 _( Salt kisses_ _, whispered words, his bad. )_

* * *

Kakashi hasn't been talking to you for the last hour or so. The kids have noticed. 

This is the thing about kids. They try to make things better— There are shadows that snoop around your windows in the morning and random thumps on your roof and the ledge of your window. They're relentless and they see situations in different lights.

Naruto and Sasuke think he's pissed you off and are trying to get back at him— Naruto's been trying the same trick, for the same hour or so. Once, twice— seven times. Kakashi's dodged all seven times. Sakura's trying to get her own revenge, except she's too busy raging about her hair to care. You expect that she'll be asking your or her parents to cut her hair within the next week. 

And your chest is filled with warmth at the sight of them. Sakura is maturing, Sasuke is... _Getting less edgy_ , and Naruto is  _smiling_. And you're proud, so very proud that three kids; the fangirl, the avenger and the dead-last were able to not only become a team but also become friends and become  _happy_. 

Because while Konoha might be thought of as soft or less shinobi-like than other hidden villages, they are the only shinobi force who are able to smile when they truly mean it.

And in this world, there are fewer and fewer opportunities to find joy. Even less who  _can_  smile at that joy without destroying it. 

Sometimes, happiness is a cruel, terrible thing. It makes people content and relaxed, it makes people wage wars and it makes people kill. But sometimes, it is a balm to a broken heart and a promise of peace and love and kindness.

_( But there are also times,_

_where love is not enough. )_

"Sakura!" you call, grinning as she tugs again at her hair. "Do you want to try water walking?"

"Oh!" Naruto hops up and down when he sprints towards you. "I do, I do!"

Sasuke grunts. 

"Sounds fun," Kakashi laughs. Low and timbre and pleasing. 

"Try not to drown anyone," you say amusedly.

* * *

It's a bit later that it occurs you that maybe the kids might start pranking you as well. Because if you ever learned anything, a bit of water (especially to the head) is especially fatal to hyperactive kids. The intent might not be fatal, but you avoid things that take advantage of your one leg  _less_  disadvantage to kill you. Like water.

It's all very unfortunate the kids don't know that.

The terror is breathless and heart-wrenching when you slip. The water hits you with full impact, sending volts of pain down your spine and your leg—

_Pure, utter pain. Jarring and brutal, as if that nine-inch long shrapnel had worn its way into her leg again, twisting and tearing the muscles as the fire in her lungs raged on—_

Strong arms grab you before you back hits a solid chest. You break the surface with a cough, the wetness still sliding down you face like tears. You must've cried out, because you're hacking out water as your lungs cry out with pain. 

Kakashi folds you delicately into arms, warming you with his body heat as he tucks your face into his neck, murmuring soft assurances. 

  _You're okay_.

(  _And you are my gift from the world. )_


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are many ways to be strong. But there is no way to save someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thought you had a break from the angst?
> 
> you thought wrong.

 

He takes you out of the river, limp in his arms. The children crowd around you as he sets you down on the grass, hair wet and streaking water across the grass. The world tilts — sapphire skies and grassy plains. You're suddenly reminded of the daffodil fields and the lazy clouds in the sky. 

" _Sensei_ ," Naruto comes up to you with big, bright, teary eyes. "I'm so sorr—  _wah_!" He explodes into big, choking sobs, incidentally making the rest of your team do the same. Sakura begins sniffling and Sasuke furious wiping at his eyes with his sleeves. 

"Come here," you say, the jarring pain in your leg being dissipated by the warmth filtering back into your heart. 

Naruto flings himself into your arms, while Sakura settles for a pat on the head and Sasuke shuffles away to Kakashi beside you, who gives his own huff of amusement before trying to settle down the emo boy. " _Hai, hai,_ " he says lightly. " Everything is going to be fine," he promises, even if it isn't, even if it might never have been. 

* * *

Kakashi and the children fool around for a while before you all settle down. Kakashi, ever so  _brilliant_ , told them that they'd take first watch. 

And  _no_ , that is  _not_  you complaining about staying up longer.  _No, that is **not**._

"[Name]," he says by the fire. Eyelashes cast a long shadow across the pale of his face, the night is cooling. You used to adore nights like this with him. ANBU had forbidden emotions, and while Kakashi had always enforced the strict no  _serious_   _business_ rule, you'd adore the night spent amidst flakes of golden leaves, albeit a fading memory of warmth — but you weren't lacking in cold in his arms. "Let's talk."

That was new. You'd never discussed anything about anything in ANBU. There is a mask— That's beyond the skin deep fear, beyond the tragedy of Kakashi and his scars that the two of you put on, and that mask has never come off. 

"About?" you ask. 

His gaze is unreadable amidst the fire. You can't tell if it's because of the brightness of the embers or if it's because you've become less adept at sensing,  _reading_  emotions throughout the years you've busy with your own. But you don't regret it — when once upon a time, you had looked too much into someone else, you'd turn your eyes away from yourself. And that had been fatal for you.

"Things have changed, Kakashi," you say, hands wrapped around warming wood of your cane. The Lynx head glints briefly, carved by a former student. And despite the bitter chill cradling the flames in cold tendrils, you aren't cold. "Shouldn't we have changed with them?" you ask, reaching out, for the wind to snuff the fire. 

In complete silence under the stars, Kakashi opens his mouth. "Is it worth it?"

_Fire and brimstone, pain and anger and grief. "It doesn't matter, does it Kakashi?"_

You lean by, a strand of hair slipping off your shoulders. "Of course it is. How many times have they told you to keep facing the future, no matter what, Hound? But by carrying on, you aren't just protecting an older generation. You're also preserving the old one. _Owl, Wolf, Minato_ , I'll never forget them. And as long as  _I_  remember the sacrifice, as long  _I_  continue to live because of their sacrifice, then it was worth it." 

Old pain resurfaces in an eye of darkened chrome. Understanding blooms but so does sadness. "Oh, Lynx." Is the murmur whispered by scarred lips. 

You smile, remembering the heartache. "The rain wasn't cruel enough to wash you away," you say quietly before rising. 

 _And the past could never return_.

* * *

"There's something out there," Kakashi tells you, eye sharp and voice low. "Bisuke didn't know what it was. Do you think Momo could check?"

Looking forward as if you never heard anything at all, you tilt your head your head ever so slightly. "Did he say what it felt like?'

Kakashi glances at you. "Do you think?" Akatsuki is a very sore topic, and with the children so close, it definitely isn't wise to say to much.

"Let's go back," you say, a sudden chill suddenly settling in your bones. 

"It could prove to be an excellent team bonding experience," Kakashi disagrees, saying thoughtfully. 

" _Kakashi_ ," is your warning to him. Past or not, in the last four years you've led at least dozens of teams successfully through the Chuunin exams and onto adulthood. In a genin team, a death could be fatal to the team mentality. Challenges should still be explored, but something so clearly over the their level.

You had been an  _ANBU Black Ops captain_  when you took on a squad of Akatsuki members (  _Pein, Kisame Hoshigkai, Hidan, Kakuzu_   _)_ with a team of equally experienced jounins and lost them all alongside an innumerable amount of lives. 

_You're not taking that risk._

That seems to be warning enough for Kakashi, but that is the bitter part. Kakashi and you are different. And if it has to come to that— If he chooses to place Akatsuki capture above Naruto and Sakura and Sasuke, one of you will have to die.

(  _There is still a part tugging at the back of your mind, wondering if you'd really kill Kakashi, if you'd be able to —_  )

But ah, luck really isn't on your side. It never is, but maybe that desperation of  _time_  had always been your downfall. 

 _Kisame and Kakuzu_. Hearts. Owl and Wolf. 

Oh,  _Kamii,_  protect the children. 

"Kakashi," you say, feeling the wind in the sky and the fire ( the smoke and the fear ) in your lungs. "Take the children.  _Please_."

A silent nod and he snatches up Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke and in the next moment they are gone. 

This is the logical choice. You, the civilian daughter of a family that had once been a shinobi clan. That had burnt bright and fallen with just as much flare. Death is terrible, powerful being and you, with a price, can make a deal with it. No, you, with a price can use death to change the future. 

(  _Fire and ash, and the pain in your leg. You'd traded your leg for your life, and left your comrades to die. You should've died with them_. )

No, it would be different this time, you won't be able to kill Kakuzu or Kisame, but Kakashi will be able to get them back to Konoha after you die.  

And Kakashi has changed. Because instead of focusing on the enemy, he has chosen the children — the carefree laughter and the strong, silent shadow. The world has changed and the two of you has changed with it.

Because of that, you can't bring yourself to feel regret or shame or even repentance. You could have died four years ago, but you chose to live, perhaps selfish and perhaps shameful, but you've changed and you've grown, you've taken that second chance and life and you used it well. 

Dagger, sanguine red, and a spark.

You choose the future where the children will get away, not the one where you can kill Kakuzu. 

* * *

And you awake. 

Itachi Uchiha makes an unfamiliar and unwelcomed entrance in the night. And you dread that sight.

You were there when he was first recruited, you were there when the Uchiha souls  _burned_. You were there too, when Danzo ordered the assault and while you'd never done anything, helping Sasuke had never been because you failed Itachi, kind, worn and serious Itachi who fought the world for Sasuke.

"You're not worthy," Itachi says without turning. 

You are still where you were after the fight with Kakuzu. 

A dry bitter laugh as you reiterate your wisdom. "The world has changed, Itachi. Change  _with_  it. Not  _because_  of it."

"Like you have?"

You laugh. "Predestining Sasuke to a fate of blood. Itachi, there are  _many_  ways to be strong. But there is  _no way_  to save someone."

Itachi turns then, the Sharingan spinning a vivid red in his eyes and while you're not sure how you're back or  _why_  you're back, you face him with steady eyes. "I will look the storm in the eye and think of of the sweetness that it brings."

The red flinches and disappears from view. There is something thunderous in Itachi's movements and something old — storm worn in the lines of his face as he rises. "Death does not discriminate between saint and sinners," he says. "And you, Lynx of Konohagakure, are neither."

* * *

There is an old pain in his chest — it might be because he's stopped breathing, or it could be because of the grip one of the children has on his vest has dug into his chest. But he hasn't stopped in his journey back to Konoha.

Hayate Gekko rises in alarm beside the Konoha gates as he makes his appearance on the road with the children in his arms.

"Kakashi—" he begins.

" _Let me see the Hokage_ ," Kakashi says, calm with the edge of frost in his tone. 

Everything is a blur after that. Sarutobi had dropped his pipe after hearing [Name]'s sacrifice. And it isn't the first time that Kakashi has cursed his inability— The Sannin, Orochimaru, Danzo, Shizui,  _[Name]._

 _How many more?_ He wants to ask. But there are other things to attend to. The children have been shaking and weeping before going into for psych check ups.

Sasuke stubbornly keeping to himself and Naruto an empty shell as Sakura clutches stubbornly onto them, as if they'd disappear any second. 

These are her children, the ones she'd died to protect and for that alone, he'd die for them. 

[Name]'s passing spreads like wildfire throughout the village and her students have flooded into her apartment— Weeping and crying, arms full of flowers as they mope around in the small area, tending to a flame above her picture, taken a decade before where she had still been sly and carefree. When she had been Inu's Lynx.

And Kakashi can see her now— Amidst the flowers or perhaps the fields of grain, mischievous and rash Lynx, whose sword had just been as sharp as her tongue. [Name], who was steady as a mountain and eyes wise and amused, smiling at the children.

Kakashi is tired, so, so tired.

* * *

" _Kakashi_ ," a hand tugs on his haori. Sasuke settles down next to him, eyes freshly rimmed red from his crying. Kakashi has an excuse on his tongue, it's a habit he's trying to break but with the exhaustion muddling his brain— _Sakura wanted me to brush her hair so I did but then she also asked me to braid it but I had to ask Inoichi how and—_  But what catches Kakashi's attention is his eyes—  _Sharingan_. "I want to get stronger," he says. 

"Sasuke?" He raises his eyebrows with a hint of alarm. "What happened to revenge, kid?" It's cruel to be questioning him so suddenly, so abruptly and so harshly. But Kakashi knows the Uchiha, knows what they have done and—

" _Sensei_  died to protect us," he says solemnly, blood red eyes casted downwards. "I want to honour her sacrifice. I still want revenge," the kid tells him. "But I want to protect my team more. So please, teach me how to use the Sharingan."

( Sasuke, even if he isn't worshipping Sakura or lonely Naruto, had loved _sensei_. Remembered strength and patience and guidance folded into one woman. She had reminded him of Itachi and that had made him want to turn away—

But Itachi—

No,  _sensei_  hadn't been Itachi.  _Sensei_  wasn't Itachi because she wasn't always a dream or a fantasy of something long gone.  _Sensei_  had been reality and all of its harshness, grief and sadness but also all of its happiness, brightness and laughter.  _Sensei_  had been Sakura and Naruto. And now  _sensei_  was gone. 

Like Itachi. 

But where Itachi wanted him to achieve something impossible and so far off and so unrealistic, she would've wanted something else.

She would've wanted him to get stronger to protect himself, to protect Naruto and Sakura instead. 

And Sasuke was going to make her proud. )

Promises aren't light. But Kakashi thinks again to [Name], to Minato- _sensei_ , to his own father. So he smiles. 

"Alright," he says. "Since you're asking so nicely, why not?"

* * *

It takes three weeks and two days, twelve hours, thirty minutes and four seconds to get back to Konoha. 


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You start a fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooooh i updated

But you don't return.

And you don't know if it's Itachi or yourself that's stopping you. 

"What was the lie?" you ask Itachi, taking in the brightness of Konoha — the orange gates, the trickle of laughter within its walls. "What was the lie?" And you're not just asking about the Akatsuki anymore. You're asking him, the day he left — stained in crimson with no hope of return — the words he said.  _What had been the lie?_

Because even now you can see the darkness staining it. You can see unrest hidden deep inside the laughter, you can see the peeling paint at the gates and you can still remember the walls being run with red. 

And  _Kushina_ , you think, perhaps a little helplessly. Because what had once been the colour of dawn— Red dawn, red flag, victory and triumph had so become blood: blood red, ruby red, red at the end of the world. The moment she took that last shuddering breath — somehow still smiling and drops like a limp doll, dry blood smearing her cheeks and fire spreading far as the eye can see is something you won't ever forget. That day, the day you lost Minato and Kushina, You lost of piece of yourself, and so did Itachi. So did Itachi, who lost his family and his father, his world. Forced to kill all he has ever known for his younger brother, forced to go against all he has ever known for a corrupted foundation.

And how has that world treated Sasuke? An empty house and an emptier. 

Maybe that's how it started. The slow spiralling into the abyss, you just kept losing and losing. Minato and Kushina, Kakashi: when you'd walked away, the crumbling golden leaves— Owl, wolf, your leg. Pieces shattered and you, with it. 

" _Why_?" you ask him.

And gazing at you, with some frightening sort of empathy, he says: "Because you understood what I never did."

"And what was that?" 

Even in the dark, his smile is sad. It's then that you finally see the Uchiha curse— Love and hate tread a thin line indeed. "The will of fire."

And you sigh. Heart pulsating, knowing that man before you is evil, has worked with the men that have slaughtered your family of everything but blood. But you're a shinobi. You've sacrificed, you've lost and you've never been one to turn away from what needs to be done.

And you won't.

You  _won't **ever**  do it. _

Kakashi, how he looked that night, the days spent amidst golden leaves.

Naruto, the only legacy of your teacher, of the Hokage. Of the time when everything had been right, a time before where you had your legs and your squad was okay. But Naruto, also because of the boy he is and the pain he's endured. 

Sasuke, brooding and emotionless— But a boy, a strong one. One that's learning to care.

 _Sakura_ , who you were, once upon a time. Desperate to prove yourself to the world, desperate to leave you mark. Ambitious and quick, intelligent and so fiercely loyal.

And your  _students—_ Fuyu, Chizako, Hirota. Your first students. Hinata, who made balms for your leg. The rambunctious boys and the mischievous girls. 

Even Konoha— The creepy faces carved onto a mountain, the Forest of Deaths, your comrades: the distant ones and the ones who you used to be friends with. 

You love them. You love Konoha. You'll die for it.

You'll kill for it, too.

* * *

"The Akatsuki leader is a man named Pein," Itachi says. "I suspect he may be of Uzumaki blood. But he definitely isn't the leader." 

Your eyebrows raise. "Oh? Are you certain?"

Itachi's eyes close, before they snap open and he looks around warily. "There's a man named Madara. Or maybe a masquerader."

You make a noise at the back of your throat. "And you automatically assume your long dead ancestor? Even the Sage of Six Paths wasn't immortal, why would you think  _he_  of all people is alive after all these years? There are plenty of fanatics in the world who'd take his name or adopt it."

A Sharingan glares. "I  _know_  because he has a  _Sharingan._ "

"I'm pretty sure Orochimaru has at least three," you retort.

A snarl— You duck, hair swishing as the glint of a kunai takes a few brilliant strands. "Don't you dare—"

You raise your chin and offer him a cold look. "Don't get your blood rushing in the middle of the night, pretty boy." 

"From the murderous urge you're currently projecting," Itachi notes dully, the cheeky stone-faced teenage genius making appearance beneath his wrinkles, "how are you one to talk?"

"Nothing like massacre to get your blood rushing in the morning."

The two of you — like all shinobi, are eternally five years old —and thus stop talking for the rest of the night.

* * *

"How likely are we to defeat the great and powerful leader on our own?" You start up the conversation next morning. 

"Unlikely," Itachi drawls. "I highly doubt we can take on lower level ones like Kakuzu and Hidan on our own, much less the leader, or perhaps  _Pein_."

"So what do you suggest we do?"

"Perhaps you can...  _Talk_ some sense into them," Itachi offers you a completely dead grin.

You chuckle roughly at that. "I'm not Minato- _sensei_  or Kushina. We need something cleverer." You close your eyes and think of red. "A fire," you say. "One from the inside." You look at him. "Do they question your allegiance yet?"

Itachi frowned. "I still have at least one secure channel to talk to Sarutobi freely," he offers. 

You sigh. "Tell them I'm dead," you say first of all. "And I had the Yondaime's son under my tutelage. The tailed beast— The greatest one. That'll lure them, whatever it is that they want."

Itachi nods. 

"You need to go back to Konoha," you tell him, and his eyes widen. " _Find a way, Itachi_ ," you say, injecting your former ANBU captain authority into your voice. "I think it's likely that Sasuke might have awakened the Sharingan after seeing me die—"

He flinches. "You're making him bait," there's a dangerous edge in his voice and his hand inch closer to his katana. 

You snarl. " _Stop being a child_. He will be one regardless if you do not return! Orochimaru will go after him. _Danzo_ will go after him. He is a sitting duck and even if Kakashi can fend for him against the power-hungry bastards on the council he won't be able to beat Orochimaru." Metal glints against light, a flash of light comes arching down toward you. 

You wrap your palm against the blade. And a line appears over the smooth flesh as blood spills over. "It has to be you," you say. "It  _has_ to be you, Itachi."

He's shaking. "And what will you do?" he asks.

"I still have something left to lose," you say. "Something I can exchange with death."

The Akatsuki assembled because they needed something. Groups and organization hunting rare kekkai genkais usually sought exodus or a cleansing of the world or something equally outrageous. The Akatsuki went after Kushina thirteen years ago. They went after the great nations nine years later, systematically destroying crucial cogs in their clockwork. 

The Kyuubi attack had been the first, you doubt that it would be the last. And the power of the tailed beasts— Well, there were many variations of the tale but all shinobi high enough of rank learned it sooner or later. 

The  _Juubi_. 

The Akatsuki was planning something big. And it involved bringing back the Juubi, which meant that they needed something from it. If you could find out what that something was—

Who could you ask? The blood continues to slip down your arm. Red. Blood red. Red hair.  _Pain_. Uzumaki red hair. Kushina. 

 _Jiraiya_.

Jiraiya who had once taken three students of similar description. The scattered Uzumaki might have been let loose far and wide, but Jiraiya was your closest and only lead. 

"A fire," you say. "I can start a fire." You stare at him. "I need to find Jiraiya."

* * *

Swing, hack, swing, hack.

Sasuke began perfectly willing to learn. At dawn. But now the boy's devolved to some form of desperate release— His knuckles are white and he's soaked to the bone with sweat. His form has been suffering too, shaking arms and sunburnt pale skin. 

"Sasuke," Kakashi says, a mild warning. But there's something distantly...  _Painful_  about the sight of the boy. And Kakashi remembers himself, scrubbing an invisible red from his palm until they became pink like an actual sign of his guilt. But there's also a less tragic one, but equally painful all the same. 

 _A betrayal,_  he thinks, as the boy continues to ignore him.  _He had trusted the man and he'd shoved a kunai into his heart. And when it came time to end it, he'd been unable to. Unable to as a long hand slid in front of his eyes and took his wrist. Gripping the tendon, you'd killed him for Kakashi._ _And you wiped away the warm blood that splattered across his face._

_"Were we the monsters that made this world?" you asked him._

_And he grasped your chin, heartbreaking lovely, a statue of trapped starlight and whispered back. "Maybe it's the world that made us like this."_

"Sasuke," he says again. And this time he steps forward and grips the boys wrist. The boy tries to shrug him off and continues hacking at the doll.

"Sasuke," he says again. " _Sasuke_."

And it's only then that he stops. Kakashi realizes that the shaking has become trembling and there are no streaks of angry tears rolling down his face. There's a sort of terror in Kakashi's chest at the prospect of calming him down, but he drops the katana and sinks to his knees beside Sasuke. Slowly, he draws the boy into his arm. "Sh," he says softly. "Take a breath."

He chokes. "It's not going to be okay," he says, half sob. "I'm not going to be able to do anything. I'm never going to be able to avenge my parents, I'm never going to be able to help  _sensei_ —"

"No," Kakashi agrees softly. If he was here four years ago, he would've assigned this boy some laps and maybe more drills. But, he's changed. He's grown from the emotionless genius ( _friend killer Kakashi),_ and he's seen you. Seen what Naruto has become. Seen what a team made up of a fangirl, a dead-last and an avenger has become. 

You died for this. And even if you hadn't— This is Kakashi's team. Maybe not thirteen years old Kakashi's team, but still  _his_  regardless. He failed his first fifteen years ago. He won't do it again. _He won't. He **won't.**_

 _"_ Maybe not now," Kakashi says. "But one day. If you keep training, if you keep remembering. If you keep  _living,_ " he tells him. "This isn't something you'll forget one day you wake up. It'll be there for the rest of your life. It's a constant battle and you're going to  _keep fighting,_  Sasuke," he says, wrapping his arms around the boy firmly. "You're going to keep fighting."

Sasuke shakes once more. But he slowly calms down, breath evening and eventually, he frees himself from Kakashi's grasp and wipes away his tears. He stares at him resolutely. 

"I will," he says solemnly. "I swear I will."

" ** _AND SO WILL WE!_** " Naruto comes crashing into the foray. Kakashi is somewhat shocked, but there's a piece of warmth building up inside his chest at the sight of a miniature Kushina. The feel of a boundlessly bright chakra, although subdued, but once  _Kushina_ , protecting Konoha just by simply exisiting. 

"Don't even  _think_  about leaving me behind," Naruto declares loudly and beside him Sakura pipes in her own agreement.

" _Sensei_  died so we could be alive," she says solemnly. "So don't you  _dare_  think you can get rid of us.  _Ever_." The last word is firm.

_[Name], are you looking at us?_

 

 


	9. 9

You trudge through the thick woods of the Hot Water country, grumbling alongside your current familiar — Haruto, an equally crabby jaguar. 

For all his tenacity as a spy, Jiraiya is laughably easy to track when he's in one of his moods. Not the various trails of disgruntled women left in her wake. But the fact that he goes after any and all rumours of the 'Chosen One', desperate to prove himself again in a drunken stupor. After the disaster that was the orphan Nagato and the tragedy that was the orphan that was Minato.

There are many things you can blame him for— Many things you hold him responsible for: the Sandaime was hardly about to hold him responsible for breaking the gag order and no villager was about to go up against him for caring Naruto but—

 _But_ . 

Naruto was still left to his own devices. 

( There are many things you hold the others, the world responsible for, but there are just as many you hold yourself responsible.  _Maybe it was self-brought_ , because you sure as hell don't believe in destiny. And if you can’t blame God, if you can’t blame fate, if you _won’t_ blame others, then the only one left in the equation is yourself. )

"Haruto," you whisper, silencing him as you approach the child by the small cottage. "If he here yet?"

 _No,_  the jaguar returns. Haruto's one of your first summons, the lynxes were your first— And well, that's not a wound you'd like to dig up. But Haruto's definitely the one who understands  _you_ , not as Lynx, not as Atsuko's shadow but  _you,_  with your broken leg and your pride the most. _I don't think he's been here at all, in fact. We might be first._

 _"_ Thank you."

You leave the bushes with a shuffle just loud enough for the boy to hear. 

His head snaps up and he immediately stands up, fear etched on his face and looking like he's ready to sprint. Something protective flares up inside you at the sight of it— Someone so like Naruto, like his fear and his amazement at things normal children receive. _Naruto_ , there's a phantom pain at the memory of the terror on their faces.

The brush of Kakashi's finger against your cheek just before he disappears with them.

"Don't be scared," you rasp, hand up in what you hoped seems like a non-threatening gesture. "I'm just hoping for some water and medicine." At the sight of his reluctance. "I'm willing to pay you. I wish you no harm, I promise."

"Da said that shinobis don't keep their word," the boy says, something frightful in his voice. You're painfully familiar with those eyes and the depth in them. 

You let out a shaky laugh. "I suppose you're right,  _boya_ ." You cough, clutching the side of your jaw. Eyes blurring from the pain.

"But Ma told me never to turn away anyone in need," the boy says finally as he shuffles over and slips himself under her shoulder, carrying her weight with surprisingly little difficulty. 

You laugh. "You're a kid," you murmur, vision slowly blurring.

"You have an infection," he says. "I won't let you die, I promise."

* * *

You wake to the sound of peace. 

You're familiar with many types of peace in the world. There was the unsteady armistice, the constant whispering and the pointing of fingers, the shifting of blame after the war. The peace amidst the shadows, whispered nothings and the heat of the skin, the pleasures of the flesh, the dreams of  _one day, one day_ the two of you shared and the unsaid  _never, never's_ _._ There was the happy, soothing chatter of Konoha and its residents long after Minato's death, the illusion and facade of something deeper, something darker. Shinobi are trained to see beyond what is given. But Danzo, ANBU and the system that failed you, failed  _Naruto—_  Was always given a blind eye by the village, the Uchiha and Sarutobi, who wasn't a good man no matter how much you idolized him.

But peace had always been bought by sacrifices, hadn't it? And one or two shinobi lost was nothing. You were Lynx of Konohagakure, but there were others: Kakashi, Anko, other children on the front lines who could replace you without anyone ever blinking an eye.

The peace that receives you now, however, is something new. There's a warm trail of sunlight on your flesh and if you listened close enough— The sweet, soft chirping of birds.

How long has it been since you'd been able to enjoy simple things like this? How long had it been since you'd been on the railings of your apartment, letting the sun soak through you as you do nothing? How long as it been since you last let yourself lay in the comfort of your bed, without the adrenaline leftovers of nightmares or the itching of dread beneath your skin, the dead comrades burned into your eyelids?

You sit up, something dully sore in your lungs and the side of your stomach.

"You shouldn't be awake yet," the boy says as you go out. "People my da treated sometimes died from stuff like that."

"Shinobis have a better healing rate," you tell him, as you lean against one of the railings on the porch. "You did good, kid. If you didn't treat me, I would've died. Thank you."

There's a proud set to the line of his jaw, but there's something proud as his shoulders come up and the tips of his ears become red with embarrassment and pride. "I-it was nothing," he stammers. "I just bandaged your wounds."

How long had he gone without someone to take care of him?

"I have around one-thousand ryo on me," you say softly. "Would that suffice?" 

"Are you leaving?" he blurts, something horribly lonely in his eyes. He then freezes in shock and quickly amends. "Your wounds were bad! Really bad! You shouldn't be travelling so soon."

Feeling yourself softening, you allow yourself a wince as you stand back straight and stretch. "Really?" you say playfully. "Alright then, if you say so." 

There must be something like understanding in your eyes, because just as he goes back to tending his garden, his ears turn red again.

There's a part of you that feels like you're betraying them, or that you're replacing them. Except that part of you isn't exactly sure who it's betraying. Were you betraying your students by taking on another one so quickly? Or were you betraying the sweet boy in front of you? By using him as a placeholder for those you truly cared about, a temporary replacement?

But it's something you cannot truly address — Your loyalty was always to Konoha.  _Without question,_ you think.  _Without question._

* * *

Now that the boy's no longer an obstacle, the only thing you can truly do is wait. You summon three of your Summons — two foxes and one lynx; small, mature but not old enough to be cranky, flexible and incredible information gatherers. 

They're on a systematic rotation, scouting out all of the information there is about Nagato. You've heard rumours, and Jiraiya's drunken laments before Minato's death. 

If anything, he's likely the easiest to convince. Another lost soul (weren't they all?), broken by the world and the loss of a loved one. And the woman— who Ame worshipped would follow him to the ends of earth. He's not blameless, there are so many things you hold against him, so many things you want him to  _burni_ for. But what you will hold  _yourself_  responsible for is Konoha. Is Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke. Anko and Kakashi. _Yourself_. 

You speak to him, sometimes. Vague, tone-downed version of your missions. And your lessons as a sensei, Naruto's pranks. Sasuke's pettiness. 

"What's your name, kid?" you ask gently, the following day, when your chakra has finally began healing itself after the burnout.

"Houji," he says. 

"That's a good name," you say, fondly. "Aspirations, your parents wanted good things for you."

You see him peer at you curiously out of the corner of your eyes. Ah, he must've caught the melancholy on the edge of your tongue. "Don't all parents want the best for their children?"

There's a bright warmth in your chest at the question in his tone. A sort of happiness that  _ah_ , perhaps the world wasn't as bad as it was. Perhaps not all boys ended up as Naruto and Sasuke even despite the circumstance and that childhood could be preserved. Could still be cherished under all circumstances.

"Not always," you say, not condescendingly because he never knew pain. Love comes hand in hand with pain, as does all aspects of life. But trauma isn't a deciding factor for what you are worth — just because your suffering has been great, does not mean you are better or worse than others. 

_You cannot control the actions of others, only your own._

"I was the fourth child of seven siblings. My parents wanted an heir, but I turned out to be a girl. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't smart or sweet or charming. There was someone else that was everything I wasn't." 

There's the soft chirping of the birds, still animated despite the low of the sun in the sky. The clouds draw across the sky lazily. Too much, you think. Perhaps it was too much. You turn to reassure the boy—

"But you were stronger than that," he says, looking down. "Despite all of it, you were stronger. You became who you are. I..." He looks up, eyes heartbreakingly alight. "I respect that. You're a  _sensei_ , right?" His frame trembles with a wavering hesitance but—  _But_ , like Naruto and Sasuke and Sakura, a determination that you are so, so  _proud_  of shines through. "C-can, can you teach me how to be strong, too?"

* * *

You run him through some basic exercises. It passes the time, and allows you to further evaluate your plan as you wait for Jiraiya.

He doesn't disappoint when he finally shows up. 

"Who are you and how did you get that face?" he demands lowly — Inna, one of your lynxes told you that the second he entered the forest. But it's still a shock, to feel his killing intent first hand, even after years of serving missions with him.

"I'm... Glad you hold me in regard high enough to kill an imposter of mine," you say, running a hand down the back of the white fox. Yukina— what a terribly ironic name — is always one of your favourites. Content to sit there and bask in the sunlight with you, but also wonderfully mischevious at the same time, bouncing here and there and everywhere. 

"I'll ask one. More. Time.  _How did you get that body?_ "

Ah, the flaw of Jiraiya. His loyalty,  _emotions—_

"Always so brash, no? It's not entirely an act, is it? What if I was just under a genjutsu?" you drawl. "Jiraiya, please," you say. "Sit down."

Houji's out, you've sent him on an errand with Momo to look for an herb you liked to make tea with. Jiraiya doesn't need to know that you've founded one of the boys he's heard from the rumours.

He does, reluctantly — because the two of you both know that he can beat you with his hands tied behind his back, no matter his reputation (alongside Tsunade's), he's still one of the Sannin, after all. 

Yukina comes to your side, as does one of your lynxes. His eyes widen, as you're the only person in this world with multiple summon contracts (you've explained multiple times that was not the case, but it fell victim to Jiraiya's personalized brand of selective amnesia everytime you tried). 

"You're supposed to be dead," he says. Spymaster indeed — he heard what happened.

"I thought I made a bargain with death," you say. "But turns out I just made one with Itachi Uchiha."

His eyes widen. 

"Sandaime was in the wrong," you say, raising your chin. "And others will have to pay for it. I need to find Nagato, Jiraiya."

"It's impossible," he says.

"I have a contract with death," you say. "He has the body left, doesn't he? There will just be one less limb when Yahiko comes back."

"No," Jiraiya says immediately. " _No_. This is worse than the Reanimation jutsu, you're  _tipping the balance of life, [Name]!_ "

You steel your eyes. "Then do you have any better ideas, Jiraiya? You've wandered for  _thirteen years_. Thirteen years that you could've talked some sense into him! Thirteen years you could've talked some sense into Tsunade, into Sarutobi. Thirteen years you've had to go back to Naruto, to Konohagakure. And you never did! Don't get all righteous on me now. I knew what I'd have to do when I graduated, I knew what I did when I traded my leg. I will die for them. I will kill for them— If it's what it will take, I will destroy the world so they could live."

"They won't thank you for this."

"I don't care."


End file.
